Personal blog of someone else.
Personal blog of someone else.
Is when I can lay quietly in my room with my headphones in and slowly fell as though I’m falling asleep.
Then I get up, and a few minutes later I come out of my days and straight back in to my reality.
PLEASE TAKE MY LAUGHTER AS AN ACT OF CARING AFFECTION.
You never found, never felt and you never saw. So you read something I hoped you would never see, and now your heart is breaking because of me?
That’s not what was supposed to happen, how did you ever find this?
You missed the part where I have my favourite memories with you, you missed so much. I’m not trying to milk the situation.
I will always know, after what ever may happen in the next few days/weeks/months, that I was never afraid of you. I was never afraid to call you mine.
You were the best thing that ever was mine.
I’m not drama, and I don’t expect you to live up to any levels of mine because there is none, especially for you. All I wanted was a friendship, and the roller-coaster to get there is killing me because I am trying so hard to get to you, I have yet to stop fighting and I’m losing right now.
My personality may not be as interesting as the girls you talk to elsewhere and I may not be as beautiful as her, but I love you all the same and I’ve always been here even when you refused to speak to me when clearly you wanted someone to talk to, I’ve been your friend from the very beginning. Only now am I starting to look back.
You’ve run away and I can’t chase you anymore.
I’m sorry I made you cry, I wish I hadn’t.
Over the years we connected emotionally and mentally in a way that was so intense, I became selfish and the final push I gave absentmindedly was the push to fall in love with you and drive what we built over the edge.
I was still pushing throughout the weeks for something that never really was.
So now, because I’ve stopped pushing everything is so different, so foreign and new. When I stopped wishing that my smile was your favourite kind of smile, I found myself on the outside… That my stay was over.
You’ve kept me in the dark for so long that you’ve never seen a shred of pain from me.
If tomorrow morning I wouldn’t wake up, I’d tell you not to cry but sing. I’d tell you that this is not a finale of any sort, we’re making room for other beginnings and half of my heart belongs to you. It may have some moments, calling your name, but it won’t last forever.
There has never been someone I have loved the way I will always love you.
The promises are becoming hard to keep, the emptiness is hard to bare.
Your eyes… They were so blue, so soft and full of admiration but now I can’t see the light anymore, you used to be so beautiful.
What’s the point of being with you just one more day when the “us” became nothing but “you and I” a long time ago. We’re so cruel to be kind, neither can accept the ending, why? Because we’re refusing to go back to the start.
So here we are, another miserable year passed and all I can think about is being free from you. Does that make me horrible? Is this me trying to leave you… again?
One late night I sat on my drive way, peacefully with a cigarette in my hand and iced coffee in the other thinking of possible ways to understand where we are and why we are who we are to each other.
Just like that I understood and just like that I saw what I’ve been forcing myself to ignore this whole time I was in love with you.
We grew up to grow apart.
It’s too much.
